Nacidas para ordeñar burros

Por Daniel de Cullá *
-Abuelo, ¿por qué hemos nacido para ordeñar Burros?
Mi niña frágil, etérea, tus manos están  hechas para eso como tu ojalillo de espumas entre las piernas está hecho para el placer y engendrar cuando tú quieras. ¿Esto te lo habrán enseñado en la escuela, no?: Que la verga del Asno-Hombre meterla has en tu caja de caudales, tu sagrario o la peseta, como le llama tu abuela. La semilla de creación cuando los machos se excitan es arrojada sobre la arena.
-Pero abuelo, ¿Cómo en la arena de los toreros con el toro?
-Un día me pasó con un chico, cuando jugábamos con ella. Al mirarme las manos y los dedos sólo veía saliva y esperma. ¿Es esto, como mi prima dice, mi prima que es vaquera, que al ordeñar a las vacas los pezones, para vendérsela a Pascual, los calostros entre los dedos se le enredan?
-Niña mía. Esa espuma o leche de los Burros, muchas veces y otras veces si se guarda bajo vientre, entrando por el potorro de la entrepierna, en unos meses, y si te ha cagado bien el palomo, la inocencia de un feto en la panza se recrea.

La niña acaricia el poco pelo del abuelo, que se refleja en el iris de sus ojos. El le coge sus manos y se las lleva a enredarlas en las algas de su pecho. (El que fue pedófilo de iglesia se las hubieras llevado a la Parte de Bureba). Y prosigue el abuelo:
-Si la cosa te da menos alegrías que penas, y te da asco y repugnancia a los Burros ordeñar, haz como tu abuela, ella se cosió el XiXi, porque estaba hasta los ovarios de que su esposo la jodiera. Pero piensa que, quizás un día, te lamentarás de la ausencia del amor, y sabes que hay que regar las flores para que crezcan.

La niña callada, piensa. Y se dice:
“Mi abuelo es un fantasma como todos los abuelos, un macho-Asno de reuma, capaz de pasear su cachaba y al perro, y nada más. Yo ya sé que se perderá las bodas de oro por culpa de asnífluos gobiernos. A mí me gustaba mucho decir y escuchar: ¡que la abuela fuma¡ Que el abuelo toma café, copa y faria, y después siesta y polvo si se tercia. Su mirada no va más allá de la cagada del perro que pasea, y sus pensamientos y olvidos se enredan en los pelillos de sus tetas. Y que no me digan que todos esos vejestorios y vejestorias de la tele y sus noticias han engendrado y parido. Pura patraña. ¡Puta mierda¡

Al abuelo se le ha soltado el cordón de un zapato, se agacha, se lo ata, y a la niña no le deja. Y le dice a la cría:
-¿Sabes que un día la abuela cogió un Mistral, Maestral (viento), entre espejos calmos de cagarrutas, cada una de las bolitas que forman el excremento de las cabras y ovejas por el camino que va al pinar desde Cuellar al Henar?
-Pero, abuelo, le replica la niña, que vuelve a pensar:
“Los abuelos pasean un Universo en agonía y su envejecimiento activo se enreda en los hilos al coser la abuela las cicatrices de la Vida.
-Mi niña, le corta el abuelo sus ideas. Le dice: Desde tiempo de Maricastaña, vuestro destino es esto: ordeñar Burros-Hombres infames y perversos, siniestros, lameculos o clérigos, falsos y calzonazos formando juicios desde el Kama Sutra al Misionero de lo más sádico, o levantando falsos testimonios haciéndoos creer lo blanco negro. Esa lengua viperina, un día lo sabrás y sentirás, que susurra entre labios de castañas- que conste que me lo ha dicho tu abuela-, tan sólo los Asnos bendicen y vitorean los Jumentos de partidos borriquistas. Hay tanta picha larga en Consistorios y Capítulos, en Palacio y en Congresos, que Europa, como vienen diciendo, por moda se ha introducido en los conejos.
– Pero, abuelo. Otra vez. A mí me han dicho que en las villas, en las ciudades y en los pueblos las Jumentas y Jumentos siempre Rebuznan, cuando tienen listo el pienso, esto: “Lo que vale un polvo dado a tiempo”.
*Desde Burgos, España. Especial para ARGENPRESS CULTURAL

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  218. I’ll gear this review to 2 types of people: current Zune owners who are considering an upgrade, and people trying to decide between a Zune and an iPod. (There are other players worth considering out there, like the Sony Walkman X, but I hope this gives you enough info to make an informed decision of the Zune vs players other than the iPod line as well.)

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  220. I am really loving the theme/design of your website. Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility problems? A number of my blog visitors have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any solutions to help fix this issue?|

  221. This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.

  222. I’ll gear this review to 2 types of people: current Zune owners who are considering an upgrade, and people trying to decide between a Zune and an iPod. (There are other players worth considering out there, like the Sony Walkman X, but I hope this gives you enough info to make an informed decision of the Zune vs players other than the iPod line as well.)

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  233. Apple now has Rhapsody as an app, which is a great start, but it is currently hampered by the inability to store locally on your iPod, and has a dismal 64kbps bit rate. If this changes, then it will somewhat negate this advantage for the Zune, but the 10 songs per month will still be a big plus in Zune Pass’ favor.

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  236. This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.

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  244. Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.

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  247. If you’re still on the fence: grab your favorite earphones, head down to a Best Buy and ask to plug them into a Zune then an iPod and see which one sounds better to you, and which interface makes you smile more. Then you’ll know which is right for you.

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  259. This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.

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  265. This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.

  266. Sorry for the huge review, but I’m really loving the new Zune, and hope this, as well as the excellent reviews some other people have written, will help you decide if it’s the right choice for you.

  267. The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.

  268. Greetings! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having difficulty finding one? Thanks a lot!

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  270. If I take an entire article from WIKIA with informations, script especially and I post it on my site, translating the infos into my language, is this a problem? the scripts from WIKIA are copyrighted or smth or there is a way they could close my site?.

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  277. The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.

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